Time is a funny old thing...
We are so caught up with the concept of time. We’re obsessed with “time, time, I’m running out of time” and “you only get one life but I’m achieving nothing!” Ok yes it’s true; life is short. Time can pass us by so quickly but…only if we let it.
So much can happen and so much can change in such a short period of time. I’ve learnt this on more than one occasion in my life, and I’m learning it again right now. A few weeks ago, I was blessed; I had so much. Sure my head wasn’t in the greatest of places, but I still had the reasons to feel like one of the luckiest girl in the world. I was in a committed relationship with a wonderful man who just so happened to be the absolute love of my life. I had a stable and enjoyable job with good pay. I had a few close friends who I was growing ever closer to. I was making exciting plans with my partner for Christmas, new years and beyond and I was trekking across beautiful China, whilst raising awareness and over £2700 for the mental health charity; Mind!
I was having all these incredible, life changing experiences…and still it wasn’t enough. I’ve always been a ‘look to the future to escape from the now’ type of girl. From my experience there are 2 ways in which people react to their depression; 1) bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away (it won’t) or 2) put all your time and energy into planning the future and a life without depression’s hold. I took this approach, and while it’s certainly more productive than running away and ignoring your problems altogether (naming no names), it’s still not particularly healthy. If you’re constantly looking to the future then you miss all of the stupid but brilliant little gems that life throws your way and, as cliché as it sounds…you don’t realise just quite what you have until it’s gone.
Please don’t waste your life by wishing for a better life.
I don’t tend to have regrets in life but if I could go back and change my actions over the last few months- I would! One of the reasons I am struggling so much at the moment is because I feel like a complete fool. I was so blind as to how lucky I really was. No, I wasn’t living in New York, booking my next stint in a broadway show or jetting over to Hollywood to star in the next big blockbuster…but I was happy, truly happy for the first time in my life…and I was just too stubborn to see it until it was too late.
Life may be short but experiences in life are so much shorter. You know how a watched pot never boils? Well think of things that way. If you really take the time to sit and appreciate each and every moment- big or small, every person- good or bad, every sunset, every sound, every kiss and conversation, every laugh and every cry…then life will never just pass you by.
Your life is not empty. Your life is not meaningless. You don’t need to have floods of friends or lovers- just a few good people around you who give you faith in humanity. Life is not about making every moment perfect, it’s about finding perfection in the moments that you have. Achievement is not defined by grades or degrees but by the degree to which you touch someone’s heart and how much you grow from the mistakes that you make.
I am really trying to put this realisation into practice with my own life now but the truth is…I feel like I have lost so much over the last few weeks that it seems impossible. It’s ironic but I feel like the only way I can move forward is if my life moves back. I realise the differences I need to make within myself in order to appreciate the good in my life and what’s really important but…I feel like I’ve lost all the good in my life that I would be making the changes for!
One of my favourite sayings is ‘life isn’t a rehearsal; it’s a performance, so go give it your best shot’. Ok so no, life isn’t a rehearsal, but the thing is (and as any actor will know), if you mess up a performance, yes you will probably never truly forgive yourself…but you nearly always get another shot at it. There is always the next performance and, so long as you realise your mistakes, you’ll know how to rectify them in order to put on a damn good show the next time. Even the greatest actors make mistakes at times.
What I’m trying to say is that, despite what we think, life does give second chances…so why shouldn’t love?
Maybe these second chances aren’t handed to us on a silver platter. Maybe we have to go out and get them for ourselves, but the point is they’re there! I know because I myself have already had one, second chance at life after I saved myself from the grips of anorexia.
I guess a second chance at love is that much harder because there are 2 hearts and 2 minds involved rather than just the singular, both of which have to be willing to reach out and take it. Unfortunately, going after something you deserve is hard when you don’t feel like you deserve it. We waste so much time holding back, but one thing I’ve learnt over the years is that your gut is always right. Don’t do what you think is the right thing to do, go with what feels right in your heart.
Embrace your passions.
Don’t be ashamed.
Tell that person you’re in love with them.
Don’t run scared.
Stop wasting time.
Accept the fact that we all deserve to be happy, no matter who we are, where we come from, or what we’ve been through.
No, that does not mean you will be happy 100% of the time, and no one can make you happy- that’s something only you can do for yourself- but…if someone brings you happy times…don’t throw it all away just because you’ve also experienced sadness with them as well. People aren’t perfect. Friends fight, lovers quarrel. But if someone is or was a significant part of your life in one way or another then, please, don’t cut them off- time is too precious for that!!!
Sometimes it doesn’t feel like that, I know. Time can be both a blessing and a curse. For me, time right now seems like the cruellest form of torture. The days are so long and the nights are even longer. I feel like time is laughing in the face of what I’ve lost the past few weeks. In fact, with all I’ve been through in my life, you wouldn’t exactly expect time and I to be good friends, but we have had good times together (pun not intended). As I said I’ve had a lot of moments, particularly in the last 5 months, where I have felt truly, undeniably happy! Sadly, it’s very easy to focus on the bad and very hard to focus on the good. We, as humans, have the capacity to change this way of thinking but, once again, it takes a lot of time and effort to do so.
Time is so much more than just the hands on a clock or months of a year. It’s slowly greying hair and wrinkling skin. It’s sleepless nights crying over a lost love. It’s sleepless nights talking on the phone with a new love. It’s tears of laughter. It’s coffee with friends. It’s rehearsing for a play. It’s revising for exams. It’s goth through to punk through to hippie and then scene. It’s every wedding, every funeral, every birthday party, and even every dream!
Time can bring you every emotion under the sun. It’s more powerful than I think the human race could ever imagine. It’s the oldest concept in existence. Without time, there would be nothing!!
Don’t disrespect the time you are given for your time can be taken away in the blink of an eye…..