I am getting there. Slowly but surely…today marks 2 whole months since I last put a blade to my skin!!!
This may not seem like a lot to most people, but to those who suffer with self harm this is a huge feat to be recognised!
To mark this occasion I have written a spoken word about one of the coping mechanisms that has been a saving grace in my recovery…writing!!!
Coping Without Cutting
She bled unspoken words from her fingers
She watched them drain from her hands
Until the paper beneath them was smothered
In thoughts she did not understand
Her ballpoint pen was her razor
Her paper was her pale white skin
She wanted to unlock the vault in her mind
To cast light on the darkness within
Her blood she had once used as ink
To stain the sides of the porcelain sink
A single drop
A thousand words
Washed away and never heard
So now, instead, she tries to write
Her crimson red in black and white
‘Hold onto the hope that things will get better
That a pain like this is just a patch of bad weather
The rain will pass
Once it’s watered the grass
And the weight of your past will feel like a feather
You feel you are lost
Because you are not who you were
But in life you change, you grow, you learn
Life is a journey that puts you through hell
But brings you times of elation as well
I advise you to appreciate the completely mundane
Because you will never experience those moments again
There’s no point up keeping a smile that's false
If inside you feel like you’ve barely a pulse
Fight for the blessing of feeling alive
Fight to live, not just to survive’
‘You give the world to others but nothing to yourself
You cannot accept the advice you share with everyone else
You move mountains for them and yet you cannot climb your own hills
Hold on till tomorrow and maybe you will
Her book was messy
But beautiful still
Her spine was worn
Her pages torn
But at least her pages were filled
She left no sentence incomplete
Of what she’s known, so indiscreet
She refused to censor the letters she wrote lost at sea; barely afloat
She refused for she knew that her suicide note could could inspire an act of awareness and hope
She wanted the world to hear her original tales of Grimm
Of blood and redemption and torture and sin
But instead of carving it out with a blade
She took to royal blood
Completely man made
She signed her name in hope and health
And remarkably with that she saved herself
Courage;
Alice xxx