Tomorrow marks the long and unfortunate 10 month anniversary since I fell face first into this disgusting relapse.
As I write this at 13:27 on Wednesday 13th September 2017, I am currently sitting on the steps of parliament square on a gorgeous sunny day here in London about to enter the House of Commons for a meeting with MP’s from up and down the country to campaign for better mental health services in the UK.
When I think back to where I was even 4 months ago when I was hurting those I loved by acting in ways so shameful and out of character, or 6 months ago when I was trapped in a hospital waiting room for 23 hours after 2 failed suicide attempts in under a month…I actually feel incredibly proud to think how far I’ve come thanks to hard work, immense bravery and some tremendous support.
I’ve only felt genuinely happy once in my life and that was this time last year when I was in beautiful China, trekking across the great wall and raising nearly £3000 for the mental health charity; Mind. I was in a loving relationship, earning steady money from a job I really enjoyed, I had great friends and, although my demons were still with me, I felt stronger than ever.
On November 14th 2016 that all went to shit. I won’t go back over all the details, simply, everything I just mentioned I had- well I didn’t have it anymore. My world was completely flip turned upside down in a matter of a couple of hours.
Throughout this relapse I’ve had one goal that has remained unchanged; to feel true happiness once again. Now, after 10 torturous months, I can finally say that I have reached that point in my recovery and can officially declare myself free from the grip of this relapse!
Of course I still have my difficult days and, if I’m honest, I don’t think I’ll ever view myself in a positive light per say…but I am now 11½ weeks clean from self harm and the fire I know is inside me is beginning to radiate back through my skin.
When you suffer with depression all the colour seems to be drained from the world and to fail to notice all of life’s simple beauties. So to look out in front of me now to see bright blue skies and vibrant green grass is something quite remarkable. Heck, just 10 minutes ago out of the corner of my eye I saw 2 little mice chasing each other in the foliage beside me and, without even realising it, that one tiny and insignificant moment had me grinning from ear to ear.
Life can be a bitch, but life an also be pretty damn beautiful.
Progress has been slow and it shames me to think that this relapse has caused me to lose 10 months of my life, but sitting here in dress and heels, make up on point and with this cool September breeze contrasting nicely with the heat of the sun here in Westminster…I can see that perhaps all the pain of the last 10 months has been worth it.